A Little Less Conversation...

...A Little More Action, Please.

I am seriously grumpy. My mom just lost her job. Or at least, she was was notified that she will lose her job in June. the job she's had since I was two. This sucks. Now, there will be no celebration for my birthday. I know that is a selfish thing to say, but it was my 21st birthday and some of my sisters have never even been up to visit! Now I OFFICIALLY have nothing to look forward to. Yippey.

Also, I am sick of work. Sick of school. Sick of my roommates. Sick of my coworkers. Sick of the same shit. Nothing changes! I can't even find any movies I want to watch. When my favorite form of escapism is failing me and I end up watching the E! Channel at all times, it is a desperate time.

In good news, I lost more weight. I am now at 10 pounds. But I may or may not have gained it all back with my noodle pity eating. Ugh I am so bored and stressed.

Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch!

Update!

So! With the new year and all, and the fact that my BMI keeps telling me I am obese (pushy fucker) I am on a diet, which is pretty much me trying to eat like a normal person. And removing temptation. Also, I have worked out twice this week. And I am going to work out tonight. And tomorrow. Mostly, I want to work out everyday because, after I work out, I am not sore from yesterday's workout. I mean I worked out on Wednesday, and the soreness of Thursday made me want to die. But come Friday's early morning workout and I am pain free for the rest of the day. Well, almost pain-free, since I decided to walk multiple miles last night in my new heels. Bad plan. But anyways, I was a big girl and wore my heels and now my feet hurt way bad.
The point of this post is that, last sunday I weighed 208 pds and today I weigh 201. Which is pretty sweet, if you ask me. Maybe someday I'll look like this!
But I think I'll settle for like this:(That first picture is a joke I swear) Oh! another resolution this year is to not look at and want to be like any magazine girls. Photoshop is deadly, so now I will only focus my unhealthy obsessions on girls like this, who are untouched. Plus this chick is awesome.

Oh, Holy shit...

I just watched a clip from the new Bret Michael's show "Rock of Love on a Bus" or something like that. And. and . and. there were vagina shots! Not camera shots, there were vials of alcohol inserted into vaginas and then consumed. Holy sweet mother of God.
Anyways, it is my boyfriend's sister/my roommate's birthday today. That is all one person, not two people who have the same birthday. My sister's birthday was yesterday but since I am back at school I already gave her my present. Actually, they both have already gotten my presents. Maybe we'll go out tonight, I don't know. I might be taking a shift for tomorrow morning but my coworker hasn't called me off and I am saying no if she takes much longer. She is so flaky. And she's a manager!
I got a PS3 for Christmas and when I moved back, I was dumb and left the power cord at my parent's house. So now I am thinking of buying one from Amazon, which means I just have to buy myself a book too. You know, in order to get free shipping. Its all very economical really. I am thinking of buying Bone, this epic graphic novel. Apparently it was written over a period of 13 years, and then it all got put into one book. Its 1,300 pages long! But it is supposed to be sweet, because it always on the top whatever list of good graphic novels. Plus there are books just dedicated to the art in the book. So anyways, I am thinking about buying that. Or maybe some shoes...

I'm Just A Little Bit Caught In The Middle...

Okay so I am sure my fatitude is no longer that interesting but I thought of another thing. I don't know what I'll do if I get skinnier because I always feel awkward. Okay, take yesterday. I am talking to my boyfriend's aunts and they are in their 40s and 50s and they are portly and gray-haired and they like me. But I feel awkward because I think they are staring at my stomach and thinking that, sure they look fat now, but atleast they were skinny when it counted (i.e. their youth). Me, I'm fat now, so I'll only get fatter. What a tragedy. This paranoid thinking isn't totally unfounded. I mean, it is with his aunts, but I have been told this before. By my mother.
You see my mother has alway been six feet tall. But she used to be quite skinny with huge boobs and six feet tall. For as long as I have known her, she has been very overweight, so her comments about my eating and stuff were mostly taking in stride, as she is a total hypocritical fat bitch. But last spring, whilst I was away innocently at school, my mo began this doctor-monitored diet. Now, almost a full year later, she has lost like 55 pounds and we were the same pants size. This is bad. Very bad. Not only does she talk about food (in varying ways) all the mother-effing time but you know she is looking at me as competition. Her youngest daughter, not even 21, and she can totally wear things smaller than her! Though I must say I don't quite fulfill the wearing-you-daughters-clothes fantasy as I am so fat myself. But I am 5'9". She is 6'. And she does weigh almost 15 pounds less than me. Of course, I knew this was coming, so what did I do? I threw in the towel and ate like a crazy person.
Every day that I have been home I have been hoping that today will be a good day, today will be a day I eat well. Today is never that day.
Maybe tomorrow?

Look at this skinny bitch shall we? This woman gained 80 pounds during her pregnancy and had to diet mid-pregnancy because she was only like 7 months pregnant. And now she is back to her skinny self. How does she do that? Obviously, she loves herself some food. (80 pounds in 7 months!) Does she just never allow herself to eat so she went wacko with the pregnancy eat pass? Or is she just physically unable to stay fat unless harboring a bebe? And this picture was taken in September. So 10 months later. Seriously!?

All Apologies.

I haven't posted in ages and truthfully it is because I forgot I had this thing. I have done this before too. I think I have commitiment-phobia for diaries. When I was young, I received many a diary, being young and female and very quiet, but I would only write for a little while and then stop. My bookcase used to be filled with these little skeleton books: how I treasured reading into the innermost workings of one week in 4th grade. But I never got more than that. I remember the longest lived one had three golden retrievers on the front and a sticker of Josh Hartnett's face on the back. I think I got the sticker from a Cosmo!Girl booklet. I used to find is uncharted eyebrows very dreamy. But that was only when I was finding boys dreamy in general. Most of the time, boys passed men passed me by like leaves on the wind. Right up past my seventh grade of school. I began school when I was five and my best friend was a boy. Daniel. But in first grade, the fucker left me for Jake. After that, boys held neither my interest nor my fancy.
Funnily enough, in eight grade a rumor circulated about e mostly out of malice and less from evidence that I was a lesbian and I really had nothing to say about it. I was pretty sure I did not like women, but I did not really like men either. When I found out about asexuality (I think during computer class in one of those portable classrooms that always smelled of manufactured air and never seems to go away, no matter how old the portables got) I was pretty sure that was me. I did definitely begin to care about how I looked in middle school though. In eighth grade, I started Weight Watchers with my sister. I was 185 pounds at 5'9". My sister had just finished her high school life of volleyball and my mom didn't want her to get too fat for her graduation dress. Atleast that was what I was told. Mostly I think my mom wanted me to be skinny for high school. It worked too. I went down to 152 by the fall of my freshman year. I have never been that skinny again. Now here I am, older and fatter. Still 5'9" but now almost 210 pounds. I hate it all. The stretch marks, the flab, the lack of feeling in my stomach fat (odd how there just aren't enough nerves for all that fat) the looks from my family.
At school, my roommates tell me I look not overweight, that I shouldn't diet, that I am fine. I say, thanks mom but that is wher the real gas is. My mom would never say that stuff. If she did, I might start liking myself and then, god forbid, I'd get even FATTER! All that I-love-myself eating. If I stopped hating myself though, I'd probably be a lot healthier. It wouldn't be so fun and sneaky then. But it worries me to ever become healthy. Then what would I hate? What would I fight? What if I hated my face skinny? What if I really am ugly under all the fat!? Right now, I just think "yeah, I'm okay but my neck! There is nothing to be done about it! I will not be right with this double chin." No chin-no problem? It terrifies me.
You know what's funny. I am "the pretty one" of my family. What a joke! Honestly, as unbiased as I can get, my middle sister is the prettiest. Pretty and pale. Big lips. But somehow I have been given this title. I think its a sympathy prize, since I am most definitely the fattest. Its like "She's the prettiest...if only she'd get that body to match".
To further torture myself my love in life is clothes. I drool all day over fashion blogs (now that the magazines have flown right out of my price range) looking at beautiful art pieces made of silk and pearl and buttons and sticthes and beautiful lies. Can you make that in a size 15? Size 38E? kthxby.

I have a headache

Two days ago my boyfriend was having a lousy day. But I was all pissed off at him and had been dreadfully mean to him. I had stormed out of his house and gone back to my own but then he called me and I could tell he was a bit teary because he started school (teaching, not learning) the next day and was nervous as all hell. So, like any good girlfriend would do I went back to his house (he lives less than a mile away, but over some wicked large roads) and gave him a lovely massage. Of his penis. With my mouth. Which I can tell you I have not done in AGES because I am so picky. My mouth has to be feeling good, I have to want it, and I can not do it if I'm hot. Not hot as in turned on but hot as in his room is a furnace sometimes. I feel so gross when I blow him whilst sweaty. Anyways, then we had a lovely fuck and he was all sleepy and much more calm (hee) and I went home. So there. My first ever legitimate-but-not-quite booty call.

Today I am at work, and I get off in 40 minutes. Then I RUN to my train, sit for a half an hour, get picked up by my best friend (who has been a right bitch as of late, to both me and my terribly intimidating mother) and drive to my next job; working a catering job for my mother's catering business. That'll get out around 11, then I have to go home and pack so I can get up at 5, shower and run to the bank (because I have 5 count them 5 DOLLARS IN MY ACCOUNT) to deposit the money I am about to make, all before getting in the car again with my right bitch a friend, only to sit for 5 hours as we drive to the middle of nowhere for the long weekend to visit her father. I'm looking forward to the trip actually, if I could just skip to noon of tomorrow. Screw being broke, screw the catering job, screw not sleeping, screw my crazy friend and her mission to talk down to me all the time. The only one who doesn't talk to me like I am an idiot one mess-up from a justified beating is my boyfriend. And that's why he gets the blow jobs, I guess.

I <3 Diets. Just Not My Own.

Today I am divulging in my worst vice: pro ana surfing. Currently, while at work mind you, I am surfing this darling girl's pro ana blog and watching MTV's "Real Life: I am on a diet." I love listening to people talk about their food diets. Oh, also, I have already gleefully filled in my calories. Having gone to a divey diner in search of scrambled eggs, I have already consumed way to much butter for the day and am rethinking lunch. Not that I am going to skip lunch (my low blood sugar won't permit that) but I don't really want a sandwich right now. I am one of those freaks who doesn't really like sandwiches. Or chocolate. In fact I actively dislike chocolate.





Yesterday, I ate 1,200 calories. I burned about 0 since I sit all day at work, take RT home, and sit all night at home. I now weigh 205 lbs even, but I am still in the obese range of my BMI by like 1/4 of a point. Which, to say the least, sucks. The faster I can get out of obese the better. My goal is to be at 185 by the end of next month. It's a large amount to lose, but when you are as overweight as I am, you lose a lot at first because it shouldn't be there in the first place. It is practically more effort to maintain a weight about 20 pounds over my normal overweight limit. In fact it is more effort. And definitely more money.





My mom has lost about 40 pounds and dropped a zillion pants sizes. She is now a 38 HH! Can you imagine. Of course I am a 38 E but still! Anyways, she is going to get her breasts reduced when she gets skinny enough, and I want to so bad and she is hinting that she might buy part of it for me for graduation (a safe 2 years away) if I lose the weight and the boobs persist, which they will. After all, I have her genes to thank for these boobs. Ugh I hate them. They are just so large and persist in ruining any fashionable outfits. Also, they hurt my back and make me slouch. I also find cleavage very unattractive and most of my friends are shocked when I am not wearing something right up at my neck...with a massive scarf over it. I would show you a picture but it isn't working.

Ok done obsessing with my waistline for the moment (interestingly enough, I don't care about the size of my pants usually. Maybe because I have zero hips and zero butt it is something I can control. Unlike my boobs.)